2017 for me has been so many things… a long walk into the forest of what it means to be a mother to a human cub, embracing and softening into this body that is creating another life, re-defining what it means to be a family built on love + trust + support, and allowing myself to sink deeper into the secretive, oceanic darkness of emotional pain that I’ve carried within me my entire life so that I could release its pressure and start to heal…
And my first book-child was born. The She Book. I feel as if that dream I had all those years ago as a child has come true — the dream where I had fallen asleep in the belly of a giant, old Maple tree and awoke within that dream to flying, glittery fish, a singing moon, giggling cherubs, a circle of wicked, dancing women, and a friendly (no longer chasing me), big bad wolf.
This year, I’ve had to seep all the way back to my own experience in my mother’s womb, become a mother to myself, and free, burn, and transform so many masks that I’ve held onto for security or familiarity or protection.
I’m so raw. And I’m not sorry.
I’m no longer seeking happiness or quick fixes, but empowerment. That’s my word this year. It feels clear, not simple, but like a guiding watchtower.
It’s been 365 days, a lifetime, of becoming, letting go, giving away, a humbling, knees-to-earth, hands-on-heart, trembling, scary, alluring experience.
I’ve had to set people free, let others in, and open up to keep some close.
I’ve never felt more ready, full, empowered, empty, confused, beautiful, tired, old, and brand new.
At the end of this year, our little family travelled to Iceland… the island of fire and ice, and like my friend Mikko said, “…of two extremes that don’t seem to make sense, but make all the sense in the world.” Like nearly everything in this mysterious Life. This magical place reflected my own extremes — I am the belly of the fire. And I am a fortress of ice.
Everything isn’t as it seems and at the same time, it is exactly as it shares itself with you. I am not who I say I am, but precisely who I pretend to be. What we think is real is perceived through all that it isn’t.
Am I just a human dreaming I am the moonlight painting a snow-covered landscape, or am I the moon dreaming I am human, an artist, and alive.
Thank you All, thank you Life, thank you Mystery, thank you Shadow, thank you Life, thank you Angels, thank you Earth, thank you Body, thank you Heart Break, thank you Love, thank you Breath, thank you Betrayal, thank you Creativity, thank you Empowerment, for 2017. Thank you so much.
I love you.